Monday, April 6

Eu chiar trebuie să filmez chestia asta până la finele lui aprilie

Ce se întâmplă când unii dintre cei mai naşpa (din punctul de vedere al caracterului) regizori se întâlnesc pe o bancă?

Lacking a purpose

Characters: The Drunk Moderator, David Lynch, Stanley Kubrick, Martin Scorsese, Francis Ford Coppola.

The famous directors are sitting on a not-so-comfortable bench. The drunk moderator enters with a glass of vodka, barely managing to walk straight. He looks distrustful at the guests, points at the camera, and starts blabbering.

The drunk moderator: Ladies and gentlemen, hic!, I am aware of the fact that you don’t care less of what’s happening here. Hic! But I can assure you that this piece of shit, hic!, is the best thing you’ve ever seen. Hic!
Kubrick: This is a waste of time. I have other things to do.
Moderator: Oh, shut the fuck up! You’re here to impress, you dumbasses! What? Are you intimidated? You do not represent the supreme entity anymore. You don’t own the cut! and the action!. Right here, right now, you depend on the unmerciful drunk version of… me.
Scorsese: Alright, let’s do this!
Moderator: Mr. Lynch…
Coppola: Why would you start with him?
Lynch: Excuse me… I am the best director.
Coppola: On what planet?
Kubrick: Cut it out! Neither of you worth anything…
Scorsese: You’re dead. I don’t think you have the right to comment upon these kind of matters.
Moderator: Mr. Lynch… what inspired you to… invent that sick, sick movie… the whole oh-my-fucking-god concept in ‘Eraserhead’?
Lynch: I’ve answered this question my entire life. Don’t you have a little originality?
Moderator: Answer or you will be following your ‘Mulholland Dr.’ characters.
Lynch: ‘Eraserhead’ came as a strange addition of experiences: I got married, had a kid, studied in a very obscure art-school in Philadelphia… plus my desire to do something queer.
Moderator: Fascinating… NOT! What about the ‘Twin Peaks’ series?
Lynch: What about it?
Moderator: Are you shitting me?
Lynch: A bit... The story of ‘Twin Peaks’ speaks for itself. I mean, I was already known for my sadistic imagination. So I thought I had to continue with these surrealistic stories.
Moderator: What made you choose the titles of the movies?
Lynch: (very distracted) Huh?
Moderator: Right… What is the most important thang in your films?
Lynch: Confusion. Life is very confusing, and so films should be allowed to be too. Everyone has their own understanding. So what I am trying to do is to relate emotionally and instinctively with my public.
Scorsese: Oh, suddenly it’s your public.

They start fighting.. and, suddenly but not very sudden, they fade out.

Moderator: Mr. Kubrick, I want to hear you talking about ‘Lolita’. (grins)
Kubrick: (disappointed) I know. It’s my first British film. And the fact that I didn’t respect the book, made it more… interesting.
Moderator: Why did you put the ending at the beginning?
Kubrick: It’s called artistic view, asshole. I pictured it like that.
Moderator: On what conditions did you choose the main character… the Lolita?
Kubrick: I don’t know. She was blonde, she seemed fragile, yet very womanish. It just suited her.
Moderator: Why Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman?
Kubrick: Because they were married.
Moderator: Fair enough. ‘A Clockwork Orange’?
Kubrick: At some point, I was feeling disgusted too. And I am proud that I’ve managed to create the most disturbing movie ever.
Moderator: ‘The Shining’.
Kubrick: Uuu… Jack Nicholson is my man. And I’d rather not talk about it.
Moderator: Why?
Kubrick: ‘Full Metal Jacket’ turned out to be nice too.
Moderator: You dead people are so boring! Mr. Scorsese, the man with the wife-abused musical. (laughs disturbingly)
Scorsese: That’s the critics’ fault. Bastards! I think that ‘New York, New York’ is the best musical ever!
Moderator: I liked ‘The Last Waltz’ more.
Scorsese: ‘Taxi Driver’ was funny.
Moderator: Not that funny.
Scorsese: Oh c’mon!
Moderator: You had 5 wives. Among them stands Isabella Rossellini. Wow!
Scorsese: So?
Moderator: Nothin’… Why do you always push the Madonna-whore complex in.. like… the majority of your films?
Scorsese: I think it’s something well-hidden in me. Though they will always appear ethereal and angelic in the eyes of the protagonists.
Moderator: What was the toughest scene to shoot?
Scorsese: ‘Goodfellas’. Henry Hill and Karen going through the basement of a night club and ending up at a newly-prepared table.
Moderator: Yes, very cute… very cure indeed. What’s your obsession with NY City?
Scorsese: I like the Big Apple. And it’s a location with a lot of potential. I mean… for filming.
Moderator: Pop stars in small acting roles…
Scorsese: Yeah, I’ll have to lose this…
Moderator: Mr. Coppola, creator of ‘The Godfather’… what do you have to tell us in your defense?
Coppola: Crime is an easy plot.
Moderator: Why did you want to talk about Vietnam? I’m referring to ‘Apocalypse Now’.
Coppola: My movie is not about Vietnam… my movie is Vietnam.
Moderator: What are your favorite movies from your own filmography?
Coppola: ‘The Rain People’, ‘The Conversation’, ‘Apocalypse Now’, ‘Rumble Fish’ and ‘Youth Without Youth’.
Moderator: Why?
Coppola: I think a movie is really a little like a question and when you make it, that's when you get the answer. And these films are the best answers.
Moderator: How’s your nephew?
Coppola: Nick? Oh, he’s fine. Continuing to make a star out of himself.
Moderator: Oh, glad to hear it.
Coppola: I’m not.
Moderator: Ok… Do you like script collaborations?
Coppola: I know I’ve been participating at a lot of these balderdashes, but, in general, I hate them. Many ideas are lost on the way because of the stubbornness which lies in some so-called bright minds. And there is always that petty fight over the ending of a script.
Moderator: So why did you do it?
Coppola: I don’t know. Probably because of my uncertainty to expose my true ideas. I thought I need others’ approval.
Moderator: Uncertainty? You’re a fucking director! You own the studio!
Coppola: Everyone begins shy… no matter what the domain is.
Moderator: How is the Golden Palm Award?
Coppola: Damn heavy.
Moderator: I guess we’re approaching the end… Uhm… You are said to be one of America’s most erratic, energetic and controversial filmmaker.
Coppola: I know.
Moderator: (after a slight yet embarrassing pause) Francis Ford Coppola, ladies and gentlemen!

Applauses are heard in the background. You can still tell they are fake.

Moderator: Although they are the greatest icons (in my opinion) in America, I didn’t allow the same amount of time to each of them. Oh well, I guess some of them are less bearable.

*Ştiu că moderatorul trebuia să fie beat da' mă săturasem de toate hic!-urile alea.
*Arată cam brut deşi plănuiesc câteva intervenţii.
*Ar trebui mai multe indicaţii scenice. Mă-sa!
**În concluzie (de-aia sunt 2 steluţe), sper să se vadă mai bine pe lentilă.


  1. Mmmm...decat moderator BEAT (e nitel...prea clasic...), fa-l eventual un gagiu cu o personalitate`sh. Puternica. Sictirit total. Sa i se #)(%()@!$ lui de toata adunatura de regizori, sa-i persifleze mult si treaz, in sictir. M-ar captiva ceva mai mult. :)

    si scurtul cel metraj ce destinatie/scop va avea, exceptand pentru tine insati si ego-ul tau?

  2. eu joc rolul moderatorului. am refuzat varianta sictirita deoarece nu s-ar mai observa diferenta dintre personalitatea mea si cea a personajului. :)

    daca era pentru mine, l-as fi dezvoltat mai mult si-as fi ales alti actori. e pentru scoala. dar poate ca asa o sa-mi trezeasca pofta de a face filme si pentru ego-ul meu.