Dear roommates,

I kind of hate you, I really do. Especially when you're whispering to each other... Do you even realize how annoying is that? I'm not interested in your conversations and I'm pretty sure I'll never be since I'm not paying attention even when you're talking to me. But please stop whispering! Whenever I hear one of your "quiet" discussions, my concentration just fucks itself and turns into a bunny. Then all my focus is invested in ways to kill two people without being caught and, let's face it, I don't have enough patience and financial resources to dissolve you in acid on a deserted island. Also, you, the oh-so-macho guy whose shoes are pointy, stop burping so loud like it's something widely accepted in our society. Because it's not. It shows how impolite you are and adds a whole lot of disgust to my impression of you. I hate you in particular because you're not paying rent and you don't have a job either. You just go out every night and party and get high while your girlfriend cries herself to sleep because you're not calling to say that you're okay. Moreover, I hate you because you never do the dishes or cook or anything that has to do with being a responsible roommate. This is not a fucking hotel and I am not your fucking maid! The fact that you sleep all day drives me crazy. The way you talk, the way you laugh, the way you breathe... Everything makes me want to poke your eyes with a screwdriver.
And you, the slave girlfriend... I hate you because you have no self-respect. Because this is the third time you've accepted this asshole in your life. Because you're a massive idiot. In October 2011 you said that he will be crashing at our place for a few days. Well guess what? It's February, fucking 2012! He's still here, polluting my existence. Maybe you've planned this all along or maybe you're just a moron. I honestly don't give a fuck about you. But for all this and a lot more, I wish you both to have a kid and be forced to stay together. That would be the worst thing that could happen to you.

Sincerely,

I'm leaving soon.
Act desperate.
Wankers!